G'08

I've heard all this talk about health care, economics, and foreign policy from all of our candidates and have come to the following conclusion: It's all a bunch of political BS as usual this year.

What with your McCains pledging to stay for 100 years and fight, and your Pauls pledging to do away with income tax, and the rest, your Clintons and Obamas, just being white males in general, none of the candidates really stick out all that much.

Which is why I have decided to become the unofficial spokesman of the new campaign that's hitting the independent trail now: Godzilla! Why settle for white male when you can have GREEN LIZARD?

Now I know exactly what you're thinking: Where does Godzilla Stand on the issues? That is an excellent question that I want to answer so we will cut right to the chase.

Health care: Obviously, health care is one of the biggest issues for Americans today, what with there not being enough to go around and all, so Godzilla proposes that we as a nation spend more time running and screaming to improve our health. In order to facilitate this, as president Godzilla pledges to walk around major American cities clumsily kicking over freeways and stepping on fat and cripple people who can't run fast enough. Not only will this cause our citizens to be healthier per capita, but the stragglers will be no more, changing our national image from being obese to being scared, and running.

Immigration: Godzilla will personally eat any people living in America found to be here illegally.

The war in Iraq: Bring home the troops, send in Godzilla! These colors don't run, but those brown people sure will when they see a gigantic fire breathing lizard headed their way! Fight terrorism with terror! Go America!

American dependency on foreign oil: This one is a little more delicate, though very important. Godzilla, as president, will destroy lots and lots of cars, which includes the massive gas guzzling SUVs, with fat people in them, which will not only drive gas prices down, but also cut our carbon-footprint-orwhateveryouhippies call it dramatically.

Gay marriage, abortion, and stem cell research: The way Godzilla sees it, people were put here on Earth for a specific reason. Food. Because the first two cut down on new humans being created, and thus less food for him, they are out, but because he likes the idea of more humans being made from clones, stem cells are in. But only enough to create a viable and edible life form. A big one with like, 6 legs, cause that's really the best part. And breasts.

The national deficit: Godzilla will immediately stop borrowing money from China, and start wrecking Tokyo. How this fixes the deficit? I dunno, ask an economist.

Now there may be some of you out there who are tempted to follow the rumors that Godzilla is just a huge Iguana. Well forget them, that was Godzilla 2000, and this is Godzilla 2008.