Thursday, January 10, 2008

Department of Santa (Part 1)

As small children we are told if we are good we will receive presents (Santa), if we pull out our teeth we get Money (Tooth Fairy) and if we wear cute little pastel dresses we get chocolate (Easter Bunny). That was an odd lesson for a 5-year-old boy to learn, but I did love chocolate.I later found out

I could just buy chocolate. I also found out there is no Santa, Easter Bunny or Tooth Fairy. It was the happiest and saddest day of my life. It makes me wonder. I'm told there is no Santa. Whom I can't see but dictates my behavior. Why didn't I make the leap too "I can't see God either, he dictates behavior and he doesn't give me presents. Screw Him." To a five-year-old actual presence are much more valuable than the Presence of God.

I wonder how many people think that. "Hey if there is no Santa I can steal this candy bar with no repercussions. Well as long as I don't get caught by a semi-retired, semi-retarded mall cop, there are no repercussions." Then they head down aroad of delinquency and auto theft all because there is no Santa Claus.

I have a Solution: A Department of Santa Claus. That's right , I want to create an actual living Santa.This would take a fairly large amount of government restructuring. The Departments of Homeland Security, Agriculture, Welfare FBI, Corrections would all be streamlined into one huge Orwellian department.

Look we are being spied on anyway we might as well get something out of it.

Let's start with The Naughty List. The List division is comprised of the NSA and FBI surveillance entities. If you do something bad like lie or cheat you get put on the naughty list and you get coal for Christmas. This obviously does not take care of the more serious crimes like murder, rape and all that unprosecuted white-collar crime.

So what to do with those guys? You make them Elf's. This works for a many reasons. The low level thug element is given a job to, given a skill set that translates into life after Santa's' Work Shop. The until now unprosecuted white-color criminals finally have a place to be useful. They can move into positions of equal respect and responsibility. The Enron guy wouldn't have killed himself he would have relished the opportunity to run the workshop. It would be a prestigious government job.

All those DUI and larceny crimes can be paid with the most brutal form of community service, Retail Workshops at your local Mall. You might think twice about drinking and driving if you had to work retail at the busiest store in the world every black Friday until you died.With all the goods made and skills gained in the workshop correctional facilitates cease to be a burden on society and become an economic boon.

This is just the naughty side of the list. We'll get into the nice side next

How fun will that be? I predict a lot.

K. Tuttle

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