Saturday, March 28, 2009

Albert part 4

After saying such bad things to the Principal, Albert knew he was going to be in big trouble.

"We are strangers here, son. We have to adapt to these folks' lifestyle."

"But they are so stupid and backwards," Albert replied.

"People on our home planet feel the same way about us Albert," his father said.

"No! They think of YOU that way! I just get lumped in with you farglesnoops," Albert screamed.

Now, farglesnoop is a very bad word on Aridia. Actually, it is a crime to say farglesnoop. If you are convicted of saying farglesnoop, you would be punished by having vinegar poured over your gills. That is not pleasant. On top of that, it's like when you spill gas on your shoes, you smell it all day long. That is what makes vinegar in the gills such a great punishment because it is briefly very painful and very annoying for much, much longer.

Albert knew all this. He also knew that there is no such law on earth. There is no way he could be convicted . He was so confident that he was getting away with his crime, he flared his gills. That was a major Aridian faux pas since their gills were an evolutionary dead end.

His parents were now furious.

They were also prepared.

They knew Albert was upset about being 65 million years out of time. They knew Albert hated his new planet. They knew Albert didn't like his new school. They knew he was the smallest kid in class and was getting picked on daily. They saw this coming.
Since arriving on Earth they had become fascinated with all the crap mankind produces and consumes, especially Americans. The T.V.s, the DVDs, the eight track players, Pez dispensers, Strech Armstrongs dolls, G.I. Joe action figures, Barbie Dolls, Polly pockets and Super Soakers. The last one came in handy when Albert flared his gills after saying that terrible word.

His mother saw the opening and squirted those gills like there was no tomorrow. She didn't use any fancy red wine or apple cider or balsamic vinegar, no she went old school on him and hosed him down with Heinz White Vinegar, and it burned like fire.

I cannot type what Albert said, partly out of good taste and partly from the limitation of a 26 letter alphabet, but needless to say he was not pleased.

"You have ruined my life. You hate me! Why didn't you leave me on Mars like I asked. At least there is some intelligent life there!"

"Well, you still have us and your brothers." his mothers said.

"I said intelligent life! You guys are dumb! You guys couldn't even raid a planet for water!" Albert replied.

His parents now went silent. Albert thought that is was a victory for him, really it was a defeat for the family.

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