Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Albert part 2

So there Albert sat, in his English As A Second Language class being spoken to as if he had a hearing, not a comprehension. problem.

He thought "I'm from a planet that your technology cannot even see and I travelled here on a ship you cannot understand and here you sit, yelling at me for not speaking your barbarically stupid language. You people have one world for love and really don't know what that means."

This was not a happy space creature and his teacher did not like his condescension.

"You come to my country and don't even learn the damn language. I bet your parents are illegal aliens." she muttered.

But she didn't mutter well enough since Albert's species had excellent hearing, and Albert understood all those words. He knew them from T.V. He also knew that aliens were feared. He never really understood why. Now he got it. It was because they were here illegally. There is a buit in hypocrisy in that, this backwater planet has no space visas nor a proper space port. That thing that Virgin Mobile guy is doing is a joke. So his family just landed, hacked the social secruity computer and made themselves legal.

But somehow this teacher knew their true legal status, illegal.

This is not good.

It is not good to be on a planet that is not a member of the Galactic alliance, in a country with a spotty "humanitarian" record. After thinking about this, Albert lost control of his bladder. This would have been bad if his bladder was the bladder of a human, but he had the bladder of an Aridian and they peed Everlasting Gobstoppers.

Or something not unlike Everlasting Gobstoppers.

Gobstoppers now came pouring out of his shorts, bounding across the floor.

Now, if you have ever been in an American school, you know the floors are made of a linoleum that is never quite clean. The five second rule quickly becomes a law. In a classroom, there is a single exception, some candies bounce. Some bounce very well. Gobstoppers bounce so well in fact that the five second rule can be extended to 15 or 20 seconds because the hang time is so much greater than the ground time.

This fact lead to Gobstoppers whizzing (get it whiz) around the room. Since Albert is in an English As A Second Language class with kids from Tanzia and Serbia and Guam, who are not accustom to massive amounts of candy being up for grabs. The Mexicans in the class were very familiar to candy flying around because mexicans love pinatas. The mexicans quickly hit the floor, and the remainder of the class followed suit and the floor looked like the floor of the well of souls in Raiders of the Lost Ark, children instead of snakes, and Albert was suddenly very popular with his fellow students.

He was not as popular with Mrs. Arbuckle his teacher.

He found himself in the Principal's office, which is the elementary school version of "take me to your leader" very appropriate for a disgruntled alien boy.


dicktrickel said...

#1. I love the phrase "not unlike", especially when it is next to "everlasting gobstoppers"...the comination of the two it orgasmic.

#2. HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR...whiz....teehee!

dicktrickel said...

sorry forgot to sign it.

Your pal,

The Famous Russell C.