Living with a Zombie

As you have no doubt read my roommate is turning into a Zombie.

This is the best the best news I have ever heard.

I am tempted to take violent revenge for the plague of mess with a sharpened shovel to the neck. But no, I need his rent money. So what does one do with a zombie roommate?

First thing, you buy a goat. Then you make mob connections. The goat will tie over the carnal urges of a zombie by providing brains and flesh until can a reliable food source found. The goal is to make the zombie think of you as a provider of food not food itself. He can not see you bleed. You can have no open wounds. You are the food giver and god to the super strong fleshing machine.

This is not like a dog, where you forget the puppy food and feed it in the morning. With a zombie you wake up at 1:17 AM with your best friend nibbling on your pelvic bone. What is needed is a steady supply of fresh man flesh.

That is where the mob connections come in to play. There is, according to the movies, an
Endless supply of dead Mafioso, so there is a need for waste removal. Also according to the movies zombies have an insatiable appetite so this would indeed be a perfect pairing. Zombies eat bone and all these days, so they leave nearly no forensic evidence just a few bone particles floating in the sewer system.

My zombie roommate is happy because he eats the dead.

The Mob is happy because their dead disappear without a trace.

I am happy because my roommate is still paying rent.

Actually I could turn him into a cash cow. Once word gets out that I have a zombie that eats dead mobsters the demand would be unbelievable. I could take all expense paid trips to Paris, Madrid, Budapest, and all the great cities of the world. I could do this with my roommate (who is great, even as a zombie) making money hand over fist. Two young guys out in the world. Partying until dawn. There would be the draw back of literally not being able go out during the day, but the money would be great, the perks ridiculous.

Air travel might be a little tricky. After a couple hours my zombie roommate might get restless. He would grab the token crying baby, crack its neck and start sucking out the spinal fluid like the head of a crayfish. The mothers’ screams haunting the cabin until he attacks her, bites into her engorged breast, spraying milk and blood (Milk-blood) over the poor stewardess trying to help.

A side from that is should be fun.

Zombies, the key to a jet set lifestyle.

K.Tuttle

The Virus

A lot of strange things have been happening to my body lately, but not the kinda strange things that happen during puberty. No, this is what happens to people who are turning into Zombies.

1. Headaches: All the time. My head constantly feels like my skull is tired of being shaped the way it has been for the past years and is trying to shift into a new position. Sometimes, I can feel the blood vessels in my scalp throbbing as the virus courses through my veins and destroys the delicate memory and emotion parts of my brain, turning me into a mindless killing machine who's soul has been turned green like old liverwurst.

2. Irritability: One of the surest signs you've contracted the virus, you start wanting to bite off people's heads for reasons they are oblivious to. Often I feel homicidal, and I fear it may not be long before the virus takes over and I start gouging peoples eyes out with my thumbnails left and right, as if it were the cool thing to do.

3. Irritable bowels: Actually a symptom of a fundamental change that occurs during the leap to zombiehood, which is your digestive system reconfiguring itself to only accept human flesh and brains as sources of nourishment. The moment one realizes that none of the food he's consumed for the past three day has been digested but instead has, within minutes of consumption, left violently through one end or the other is the moment that one has to start wondering if he should start looking for an antidote or if it's too late. It's probably too late.

4. Cessation of desirable bodily functions: This is when you know things are serious, when you stop sweating and your skin becomes parched. It wont be long now and some unfortunate stranger will find you sharpening your teeth on your best friend's pelvis.

5. Lifeless, bloodshot eyes: This is it, you've stepped over. This was really the moment I realized it was too late and started preparing my apartment for easy access to the mindless. I took all the locks off of the doors and bolted all the furniture to the floor so my roommates wouldn't be able to lock themselves in a room or brace the doors with beds and chairs while trying to escape the new plague. I also combed the apartment for weapons that could be used to knock off a zombie's head with and threw them all in the dumpster last night. I know this kinda makes me a dick of a roommate but I don't want my life as a zombie to be unnecessarily short, so this is my formal apology to Kaylon, if he gets to read it sometime before I'm feasting on his bone marrow. Maybe I'll write "I'm Sorry!" on my forehead just before I make the final change so while I'm gnawing at his throat he'll see it and understand.

At any rate, the real reason I'm writing this is so that somebody will read it and tell my mother I love her after I make the change, cause I'm hoping that it becomes too late for anybody I come in contact with afterwards to do so. I would really appreciate it cause she's worked a long time for my happiness and I want her to know that it wasn't all for naught.

Signing off,

Glrrrrrrruurrrrrrrchhhhhkkkkksssssssroooaaapffff... Pfff...Pfff...Pfffffffftssssssssssckkk! (That's the name I will adopt as a zombie!)