Medicinal Leeches for America

I was on the internet the other day, browsing and carousing, when I came across this site: http://leechesturkey.com/

For those of you who don't want to bother looking at the site, it's a company that imports leeches (that are collected without "handtouch") from Turkey to the states for medical uses. Now I'm sure you must thinking about running out and getting some for yourself right now, but allow me to point out a few things about the site first.

Apparently, they have the knowledge to know what the importance of a local vasodilator is, but they don't speak English too well, making for some of my favorite phrases ever, like "Leeches Turkey: Attach importance to your healt" and "This animals are Medicial Miracle!" They sure have a way with words!

Also, they have a wicked cool banner at the top that displays an artsy rendition of a couple of leeches and a picture some women sporting snappy-smart business suits while talking on the cell phone. If you don't hear that screaming professional, then you are deaf.

Lastly they have a section of photos with these leeches in action, demonstrating their actual utility. Flipping through those pictures got me thinking: Our country could do with a little bloodletting!

We just need to get some leeches to the parts of our country that have economically or culturally atrophied and surely the emergency increase of flow to those sections will bring them back to life.
The best thing about it is, we already have the leeches, all we need do is relocate them.

Imagine the good it would do to relocate the top faces of the RIAA to the darkest depths of urban society, or to put a rapper into the heart of the deep south. Or perhaps we can move Bill O'Riley to the mid west! Picture this: Hollywood stars and coked out starlets sucking at the veins that bring life to cities with poor cultural health, like Houston, where the people only have the 80s to celebrate. The potential for make increase of Unites States "healt" is endless! This peoples are Cultrual Miracle!

Death that Moves us forward

For the good of America, Britney Spears needs to die.

This is not a complaint about her music, which I don't hate, but because there has not been an iconic death since Kurt Cobain.

Every era needs a death to announce it has died. John Lennon's death marked the end of the 60's counter culture. Elvis the end of the 50's optimism. The Belushi (the real one, not Jim) death marked the end of the coked out 70's. Lennon and Belushi deaths created a talent vacuum that caused the mostly awful 80's. Cobain's death brought an end to both the grunge and the thing grunge rebelled against, the aforementioned 80's.

Good work Kurt, way to kill all my guilty pleasures with one shot.

To the head.

Since then the culture has run wild with no real artistic direction. This is not meant to disparage the Radioheads, Flaming Lips, Wilcos, and Wes Anderson’s of the world. They simply do not have the following that would cause a industry wide change.

Well, and they haven’t died.

So we keep looking for the death that shakes the bedrock of the entertainment industry. One that makes them realize time is not on their side. We need a death that forces people to sober up and work hard at their craft.

Britney’s death would do that.

The souless, huge headed (physical feature due to anorexia, not ego) starlet would be taken aback. "I was doing lines of coke with her last week. Now she is as dead as I feel inside. Maybe I should make a change. Perhaps I should read a book. I wonder if I could buy a soul?"

Then, suddenly, trendsetters start to take notice of original thinkers. The intelinista starts talking about real thoughts and not trashing party girls with no underwear. The focus shifts from inane chatter about stars and moves toward achievement.

All Britney has to do is die.

As an added bonus K-Fed would become the new Pricilla Presley.

Just think of how great that Naked Gun movie would be.

K Tuttle