Lessons never learned.

The other day I was preparing for work, my socks were on my feet and I was about to put on my shoes.

I thought, "Pants. You need to put your pants on before your shoes."

I have been getting dressed for about a quarter of a century, by this point you would think I would have that down. Pants go on before shoes. This got me thinking, how many things are there that I should have mastered at a quarter of a century, but simply have not. Let me tell you there are a lot. We will do this in the form of a blog staple of the list. It's been 3 months and I am willingly walking into blogging cliches.

Good work Tuttle.

1)Chewing. I have been eating since before I had teeth, still I bite my cheek. Maybe that is the problem. In the beginning stages of eating you have no teeth so you chomp away. Teeth come in slowly giving you plenty of time to figure that little issue out.

No matter, the real issue I have with biting one’s own cheek is that is never on good food. You aren’t anticipating a great steak and out of enthusiasm take a bite of one’s mouth. No, you bite the crap out of your mouth on a ham sandwich. It’s always something bland that causes the cheek bit. I just don’t get it.

I suppose you could blend all your food into a mush and drink it though a straw but that would be wholly unacceptable, as you will soon see.

2)Drinking. Outside of breathing there is nothing I have been doing longer than drinking. Still I spill all sorts of drink down my face on to my shirt. Now I could use a straw, but we all know they are Communist plots.

"How are straws communist plot?" you ask.

Silly reader, you should know by now I always support my claims.

The plan it to weaken us by causing us to rely on tools and not on our own ability. The straw robs us of hand eye coordination and the ability to anticipate. You need hand eye coordination to lift a cup to your mouth. You need to have anticipation skills to drink strawlessly in a moving car. Damn Commies tried to take away our hand eye coordination but Nintendo brought it back. Thank You, Mario.

3)Walking into Walls. You are walking to a meeting and you are in a little bit of a hurry. You can make it on time if you walk quickly and shave steps. So you walk as close to the corner as you can. You look at the turn and size it up, your mind starts to wonder to the meeting, "Did Johnson take care of his end? Will they have the projector they said they would? Will the…" WHAM. You have just walked into a wall.. After twenty-five years you still cannot walk without running into stuff. Maybe you should stop drinking with that straw.

4)Breathing and Swallowing. This is the one that metaphorically kills me. One day it might literally kill me. I constantly breathe and swallow at the same time. I think they use this as a test to see if you are brain dead.

Apparently I am very brain dead. It’s so embarrassing you are just standing there not even drinking anything and BAM. Cough! Cough! Cough! Weez!

"What Happened?" they ask.

"I’m not smart enough to breathe and swallow" I answer.

‘Oh’ is the condescending reply.

So that is the list of stuff I have not seemed to master after a quarter century of life. It is not a noble list but it is a reasonable one. I should be able to do all these things. But alas I cannot.

And neither can you.

So don’t get all snooty about it, ass.

K Tuttle.